Players in the Game

March 20th, 2012 § 0 comments

A great truffleback is hard to find, though a half-decent one isn’t. The ideal TB is as hefty as he is hungry, leading with his snout and hitting the scrum like a pig to a trough. With the right coach, almost any corn-fed oaf can grow into the role.

The last ones off the bench and first ones into the stretcher, Pennybacks are a cheap and effective way for coaches to to get an injury time-out when there aren’t any normal time-outs left.

The Linemaster is a tactician and thinker above all else, skilled in calculation. He may lack physical prowess, but his mind games on the line of scrimmage induce a litany of encroachment and false start penalties from the opposition.

An effective roller is stubborn and stupid. The rules and referees give Rollers headaches, and coaches should avoid trying to offer them explanations at all costs. The very best Rollers know not to listen to their own coaches.

Big Receiver (Stander)
Big, solid, and immobile, BRs are impossible to miss and impossible to tackle. Unfortunately, the ratio of yardage gained to passes made for a Big Reciever just doesn’t add up, and they are rarely involved in first down passing plays. Despite the statistics, many quarterbacks can’t seem to resist the guaranteed half-yard completion.

Running Belly
The wise coach keeps at least a few backup running bellies on the bench, because these guys generally have extremely short careers. Running bellies are primary used in flopping plays and can burn the team by being the extra man on the field, but on the plus side they never get called for leaping.

Aggressive Tackle (Loose End)
Reckless, angry, and violent, aggressive tackles are extremely effective at stopping a strong offense. Any coach considering an Aggressive Tackle should have him double-checked for concealed weapons. Palpably unfair acts and forfeitures of game are common when this player takes the field, but then again, so are blowout victories.

Offensive Administrative Assistant
OAAs perform a wide range of clerical duties and report directly to the Linemaster. They are frequently targeted by opposing Rollers, both on and off the field.

Security Guard
Security Guards are more useful as decoys. In fact, that’s their only real use. Good luck getting these lunks to do anything helpful. You can count on an SG to draw a salary and stay on the bench, making sure the opposing team doesn’t get too close, while sometimes drawing penalties for sideline infractions.

Big-time plays call for big-time players, but big-time plays are rare. Most plays can use a Halfman, who can plug holes or slip through the cracks in a defensive line. A single Halfman can’t sack, but he can cling, and the extra weight is often just enough to slow down a quarterback enough for the Running Belly to close in for a flopsack.

Scuttlers work behind active plays, utilizing their strong lateral movement abilities to stay behind the play and assess the situation for opportunities to trip the opposition. As a matter of league policy and tradition, Scuttlers are not paid.

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