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The Hunt

Smug Druggler | October 31st, 2011 | 0 comments

An ex-DARPA lump sits in his room, halfheartedly masturbating, though really just fiddling with his flaccid penis, because he’s focused not on the muted pornography on his left screen, but on the blaring Naruto on the right screen.

Above these two screens, a third screen reveals an antipodal pursuit: an unmanned drone strafes the taiga with three military-grade infrared cameras, searching. Before long, it has located the quarry, a wild Mongolian she-boar, full-grown and returning to the lair to be with her piglets after a long day of searching for food.

Algorithms hum silently within the drone, and across the world, massive skeins of code spool down the screen of the young man’s laptop. He does not notice the various subroutines execute, for Sasuke is about to betray Orochimaru, and his penis is beginning to tumefy.

The drone throttles down through the troposphere and dives directly at the she-boar.

The wild Mongolian she-boar is the impressive product of millions of years of evolution. A hardy, resilient and versatile animal, she is capable of flourishing in a variety of harsh environments. A dense, thick hide and sharp, strong tusks provide sturdy defenses against would-be predators, and indeed, the she-boar has for centuries been respected by man for her courage and fierceness in battle.

The drone breaks Mach One, sending a thunderclap for miles in every direction, and savages the she-boar, filling its head with five hundred rounds of .510 caliber bullets.

The hunt is over.

Red Shirt Rhetoric

Token Nobody | October 31st, 2011 | 0 comments

Months ago I devised a way to accelerate good YouTube discoveries:

  1. Find a video you like.
  2. Search through the commenters for people who seem to appreciate the video in the same way you do.
  3. Open up their user pages and trawl through their uploads and favorites.

This still requires a lot of time and patience; great videos are always going to be hard to come by. Sometimes, though, you’ll end up stumbling across something invaluable:

 

Don’t let the video tags (“nintendo” “is” “the” “best” “suck” “my” “dick” “red” “shirt” “blob” “monster”) fool you, this video contains some super astoundingly useful communication techniques I have coined Red Shirt Rhetoric. If you’re looking to totally max out your communications, Red Shirt here is giving you an easy way to win arguments while winning people over at the same time.

Alright I’m gonna tell you why Red Shirt Rhetoric is better than what you’ve been using. Think of a madlibs-style template where you can apply Red Shirt’s phrasing to any argument or “point” you are trying to make. Say you and your friend are debating where to have dinner. Lets also say its coming down to Sushi vs. Pizza. Lets also say that you were the first person to suggest Sushi.

  1. Preemptively cut off him off with “Yes, of cour- yeesss…”
  2. Segue into some half-hearted, stilted hyperbole: “How many people eat Pizza? Hardly any. How many people eat… sushi. Pretty much all of them.
  3. Close out the argument: “That’s why pizza sucks, italian food is retarded, and for all of you who think Italian food is the best cuisine out there, you need to stop sucking Italy’s dick..”

And thats just one example! For those of you out there who aren’t convinced this is a good idea yet: Why? Your rhetoric now is just all about facts and… and that’s all it is. So, you can suck my dick, go to hell, and have a nice life.

Where am I?

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